I left a new spouse's meeting tonight feeling very overwhelmed and teary (which usually go together in my case), my head spinning with options and choices and things to do. I came home and heard my husband getting the girls out of the bathtub and into their pajamas, but I couldn't handle anyone needing me at the moment, so I lay down on the loveseat and tried to gather my thoughts. I realized that what I was finding so upsetting was that I had been unable or unwilling (or something) to state what I really wanted - what was my ideal - as far as my job and the care of the children were concerned.
What is it about the institution of motherhood that is so intertwined with guilt? We feel guilty if we work and send our kids to school or daycare for not spending as much time with them as we could. We feel guilty if we keep them at home and don't contribute monetarily to the family. We feel guilty for doing things differently than our parents or maybe our friends. Whatever it is, we feel we could have done more or done it better.
We talked tonight at our meeting about how life in community requires one to set boundaries - for school time, play time, family time, date time, sleep time, study time, social time, etc. If you let them, your neighbors (or at least their kids) might be in your apartment all day or at times when you have other plans, so we each have to learn how to set and enforce boundaries. I realized that I also needed to set internal boundaries that I'm not going to let other people (intentionally or unintentionally) make me change or feel guilty for. I need to decide where I stand and draw a line there.
When I sat down to ponder it, and this definitely involved talking to my husband, I realized that what I've always really wanted is to stay home with my children. It's not clear cut. I feel torn about that decision when I realize that (a) we would be doing so much better financially if I took a full-time professional position, (b) I love being a librarian, and (c) the longer I go without using my degree, the less it is worth. However, I believe that my staying at home during the day is the best thing for my family right now. Considering other options makes me feel uneasy, and I think I should listen to that feeling.
There are other things that are still dependent upon outside factors and need telephone calls and outings to various offices to determine, but I have decided what would be my highest preference, and we can work around other details for that. I don't know much about boundaries, but I do know that you can only set them for yourself. You can't control what other people do, but you can decide how you respond to them. So here's to boundaries...
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
What a Week
When I arrived at our apartment a week ago tomorrow, there was barely what you could call a path into each of the rooms. My husband had focused his efforts on the girls' room, for which I was grateful, so that they would have a place to sleep and play. However, the "living room" was completely full of boxes, stacked at least as high as my shoulders, if not higher, and I couldn't even see my bed or get to the bathroom easily. Our sofa was still in the hallway because it wouldn't fit through the front door. It was an overwhelming sight, to be sure. It didn't feel like we'd ever have a livable space, much less something that resembled a home.
When you add to that the presence of our children, who really couldn't be kept in the apartment as it was and had to be watched (by me, of course), I felt like I was having one of those dreams where something terrible is coming at you, but you can't run or even move.
In the week's time that has passed, things have gotten better. A new friend gave us some suggestions and took is to IKEA (cue the angelic singing). We've figured out nooks and crannies (OUTSIDE of our 450 sq. ft. apartment, the smallest on campus) in which to store our extra items that somehow, six weeks ago, we felt we couldn't live without. It's still far from organized, clean, easy, or (needless to say) perfect. The living room still looks like a tornado hit it, which it didn't, but it did get somewhat flooded during heavy rains on Saturday.
Very little is as I expected it to be. We're in the middle of the woods instead of the middle of a city. The way things run around here seems a little unorganized and chaotic to me. I'm not going to be able to walk or ride a bicycle to work because of the very narrow streets and/or parkway that are between me and it. I'm going to have to pay to park at work or ride the train there, which also costs money.
One thing that is as great as I hoped is the community of students here. We mostly know people in our dorm and the building. We see them on the playground, in the laundry room, and at spontaneous tea parties like we had this morning :).
God is faithful, and perhaps in time I will let Him teach me to give thanks in everything.
When you add to that the presence of our children, who really couldn't be kept in the apartment as it was and had to be watched (by me, of course), I felt like I was having one of those dreams where something terrible is coming at you, but you can't run or even move.
In the week's time that has passed, things have gotten better. A new friend gave us some suggestions and took is to IKEA (cue the angelic singing). We've figured out nooks and crannies (OUTSIDE of our 450 sq. ft. apartment, the smallest on campus) in which to store our extra items that somehow, six weeks ago, we felt we couldn't live without. It's still far from organized, clean, easy, or (needless to say) perfect. The living room still looks like a tornado hit it, which it didn't, but it did get somewhat flooded during heavy rains on Saturday.
Very little is as I expected it to be. We're in the middle of the woods instead of the middle of a city. The way things run around here seems a little unorganized and chaotic to me. I'm not going to be able to walk or ride a bicycle to work because of the very narrow streets and/or parkway that are between me and it. I'm going to have to pay to park at work or ride the train there, which also costs money.
One thing that is as great as I hoped is the community of students here. We mostly know people in our dorm and the building. We see them on the playground, in the laundry room, and at spontaneous tea parties like we had this morning :).
God is faithful, and perhaps in time I will let Him teach me to give thanks in everything.
Friday, August 14, 2009
On the Road
We've had a tumultuous and very stressful week, although nothing like the family I just heard of who had moved in at St. Vlad's, and now are being told to leave and go to Holy Cross by Met. Philip, while the wife is due any day to have a baby. Lord, have mercy on the Mathewes.
The girls have been off their routines big time, being shuttled back and forth between our old house and the house of B.'s aunt and uncle who were letting us borrow it while they were on vacation. Last night, K. didn't want to be left in the crib and kept crying, "I want to go home!" I didn't know what to say. We don't have a home at the moment! I told her that we weren't going home, we were going to New York, but that was no good. Finally, I told her that I wasn't going home, I was going to stay where we were. Didn't she want to stay with me? She did, but I still had to repeat it a couple of more times when she'd start in on, "I want to go home" again.
We couldn't have made it here, to Forrest City, Arkansas, without the help of so many people, most recently 7 men from our church who worked so hard in the blazing heat to load up our furniture and boxes onto the Penske truck. Thank God for them and God bless them.
The girls have been off their routines big time, being shuttled back and forth between our old house and the house of B.'s aunt and uncle who were letting us borrow it while they were on vacation. Last night, K. didn't want to be left in the crib and kept crying, "I want to go home!" I didn't know what to say. We don't have a home at the moment! I told her that we weren't going home, we were going to New York, but that was no good. Finally, I told her that I wasn't going home, I was going to stay where we were. Didn't she want to stay with me? She did, but I still had to repeat it a couple of more times when she'd start in on, "I want to go home" again.
We couldn't have made it here, to Forrest City, Arkansas, without the help of so many people, most recently 7 men from our church who worked so hard in the blazing heat to load up our furniture and boxes onto the Penske truck. Thank God for them and God bless them.
Friday, August 7, 2009
A Major Snag in the Plan
I found out at the pediatrician's office today that my health insurance through Starbucks was terminated as of July 31, 2009. I was flabbergasted, having heard nothing of this from Starbucks or Aetna. I called Starbucks Partner Benefits and found out that last quarter, I only worked 237 hours instead of the 240 required to maintain benefits eligiblity, so my insurance was cancelled. Because of 3 hours.
The only option we apparently have is to secure COBRA coverage until November, when I'll be elligible again to re-enroll. If we sign up for COBRA, that means that pretty much my whole paycheck will go towards the premiums and we'll have nothing left to live on.
Lord, have mercy.
The only option we apparently have is to secure COBRA coverage until November, when I'll be elligible again to re-enroll. If we sign up for COBRA, that means that pretty much my whole paycheck will go towards the premiums and we'll have nothing left to live on.
Lord, have mercy.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Updates for the Week
We had an appraisal on very short notice yesterday. As with the showing that led to the contract on the house, there were boxes everywhere, etc. We really hope that, despite all of that, the appraiser will value the house at at least the amount the buyers have offered us so that their lender will approve the loan.
Please keep me in your prayers. My spirits have been very low for a couple of days and I am dealing with pain in my back and pain/numbness in my limbs. I've tried shoe inserts with some success, but not total. It's becoming clear to me that I'm not going to last too long trying to work full time at Starbucks if the position in New York is as physically demanding as the one I have here.
Please keep me in your prayers. My spirits have been very low for a couple of days and I am dealing with pain in my back and pain/numbness in my limbs. I've tried shoe inserts with some success, but not total. It's becoming clear to me that I'm not going to last too long trying to work full time at Starbucks if the position in New York is as physically demanding as the one I have here.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Moving On: Catalyst, Catastrophe, and Curveball
So much has happened in the past month that I feel overwhelmed by the task of trying to chronicle it, but I can at least sum up how the ball got rolling and what has happened with our house since we made that decision on June 25.
It felt for months and months like nothing was going our way. Then at the end of June, we had to tell St. Vlad's if we were coming and Fort Worth ISD if B. was not coming back. B. had said all along that if we were supposed to go to seminary this fall, the house would sell. I felt differently, but I figured I was probably wrong. Finally, as the deadline drew near, I told B. that I thought maybe it wasn't our job to decide what God was and wasn't going to do, that we had to just be obedient (and go to seminary).
Along those lines, I suggested that we should ask B.'s mom if she would rent our house from us until it sold. He did, and she was willing, so we were off. The very next day, my store manager e-mailed four store managers in New York, asking if they would need any employees in September and recommending me to them. We didn't hear back and didn't hear back. He even tried two more that were a little further away (none being more than three miles from campus, though, New York being what it is!). Still nothing. So Brian (store manager) suggested that I start calling the stores, just being persistent and professional.
I was dreading doing that because I know how difficult it can be for people who don't work there to get ahold of OUR store manager, but after a week and a half of no response to his e-mails, I had to take his advice. I called three stores that day, and the first two sounded positive about the job prospects, but at the third one that I called, the manager told me to stop calling stores because she wanted to hire me. I called my manager and told him, and he said they would work out the details. That was on a Tuesday.
The following Saturday my mom was here and B.'s mom had come over to help us pack. Around 11 a.m., I got an e-mail from Centralized Showings Service about a showing between 2:30 and 3:30, which I accepted. So we stopped packing and started cleaning. We got the girls down for their naps, and then we sat down to wait for the people to show up. While we were waiting, there was another call for a showing between 3:30 and 4:30. When the later showing's agent and clients showed up, I realized that the 2:30 people never came, but sometimes that happens.
After the 3:30 people left, we went back to work, doing laundry and packing boxes like crazy. We went to bed late, and left the house a huge mess on Sunday morning. We came home after church, got the girls down for their naps, and sat down to relax for a few minutes. We were expecting some people to come pick up K.'s crib, which they were purchasing, but the knock on the door at 2:30 was not them. It was a realtor and two clients (couple). The realtor said they had an appointment between 2:30 and 3:30. It was only then that I realized that I hadn't noted the DAY of the 2:30 appointment. Oops.
For some reason, I didn't freak out about the house being a mess, etc. I just told them we were in the middle of packing and the house was a mess, but if they didn't mind, they could come on in. We even thought they weren't even going to be able to see the girls' room because they were sleeping in there, but they woke up partway through the showing. So everything that could have been wrong with that showing was:
Many of our friends and family members have made much of the fact that B. and I stepped out and said we were going and that is when the house sold. I obviously think it was important for us to commit to doing what we felt God was calling us to, but I think the bigger lesson here is that we were (and are) not in control. We couldn't pick the time or the people or the way the house looked or how it would all go. When it was supposed to happen, it did, despite the fact that we weren't able to try hard to make a good impression, etc. And even if the house contract falls through and things continue to go in ways we hadn't forseseen, we will still be okay.
Like anything, there have been hitches and hiccups along the way, but despite the fact that I hate crowds, have no desire to live in New York, we don't know what our apartment will be like, and we're leaving behind everyone we know and love here in Texas to go to a place where we have no family or friends, I feel peaceful about moving there. I think Hope actually put it best when B.'s Aunt T. asked H. if she wouldn't rather stay here in Fort Worth with her, Gammie, Grandpa, and everyone. H. said, "That would be nice, but I have to go." I think it will be okay.
It felt for months and months like nothing was going our way. Then at the end of June, we had to tell St. Vlad's if we were coming and Fort Worth ISD if B. was not coming back. B. had said all along that if we were supposed to go to seminary this fall, the house would sell. I felt differently, but I figured I was probably wrong. Finally, as the deadline drew near, I told B. that I thought maybe it wasn't our job to decide what God was and wasn't going to do, that we had to just be obedient (and go to seminary).
Along those lines, I suggested that we should ask B.'s mom if she would rent our house from us until it sold. He did, and she was willing, so we were off. The very next day, my store manager e-mailed four store managers in New York, asking if they would need any employees in September and recommending me to them. We didn't hear back and didn't hear back. He even tried two more that were a little further away (none being more than three miles from campus, though, New York being what it is!). Still nothing. So Brian (store manager) suggested that I start calling the stores, just being persistent and professional.
I was dreading doing that because I know how difficult it can be for people who don't work there to get ahold of OUR store manager, but after a week and a half of no response to his e-mails, I had to take his advice. I called three stores that day, and the first two sounded positive about the job prospects, but at the third one that I called, the manager told me to stop calling stores because she wanted to hire me. I called my manager and told him, and he said they would work out the details. That was on a Tuesday.
The following Saturday my mom was here and B.'s mom had come over to help us pack. Around 11 a.m., I got an e-mail from Centralized Showings Service about a showing between 2:30 and 3:30, which I accepted. So we stopped packing and started cleaning. We got the girls down for their naps, and then we sat down to wait for the people to show up. While we were waiting, there was another call for a showing between 3:30 and 4:30. When the later showing's agent and clients showed up, I realized that the 2:30 people never came, but sometimes that happens.
After the 3:30 people left, we went back to work, doing laundry and packing boxes like crazy. We went to bed late, and left the house a huge mess on Sunday morning. We came home after church, got the girls down for their naps, and sat down to relax for a few minutes. We were expecting some people to come pick up K.'s crib, which they were purchasing, but the knock on the door at 2:30 was not them. It was a realtor and two clients (couple). The realtor said they had an appointment between 2:30 and 3:30. It was only then that I realized that I hadn't noted the DAY of the 2:30 appointment. Oops.
For some reason, I didn't freak out about the house being a mess, etc. I just told them we were in the middle of packing and the house was a mess, but if they didn't mind, they could come on in. We even thought they weren't even going to be able to see the girls' room because they were sleeping in there, but they woke up partway through the showing. So everything that could have been wrong with that showing was:
- the house was totally cluttered
- it was also dirty (like, H.'s wet clothes from an accident were still on the floor)
- and half of us did not leave the house because B. had to go get the girls when they woke up
Many of our friends and family members have made much of the fact that B. and I stepped out and said we were going and that is when the house sold. I obviously think it was important for us to commit to doing what we felt God was calling us to, but I think the bigger lesson here is that we were (and are) not in control. We couldn't pick the time or the people or the way the house looked or how it would all go. When it was supposed to happen, it did, despite the fact that we weren't able to try hard to make a good impression, etc. And even if the house contract falls through and things continue to go in ways we hadn't forseseen, we will still be okay.
Like anything, there have been hitches and hiccups along the way, but despite the fact that I hate crowds, have no desire to live in New York, we don't know what our apartment will be like, and we're leaving behind everyone we know and love here in Texas to go to a place where we have no family or friends, I feel peaceful about moving there. I think Hope actually put it best when B.'s Aunt T. asked H. if she wouldn't rather stay here in Fort Worth with her, Gammie, Grandpa, and everyone. H. said, "That would be nice, but I have to go." I think it will be okay.
Just The Right Words
I've never wanted to start a blog before, because I didn't really think I had anything worth saying for just anyone to read. I have a hard enough time keeping my mouth shut without having another outlet for my chatter.
Recently, however, I've succumbed to the pressure of friends who want to hear about our adventures in New York at seminary, so I decided to revive this old blog that I did as a requirement for a class on children's poetry at TWU. I named it "Just the Right Words," because that reflects what I think good poetry is. It should be concise, containing only exactly the right words needed to create the image or idea in the mind of the reader. I've decided to keep this name in light of the struggle I mentioned above that I have with talking too much.
Using the just the right words, only the right words, is what I long to be in the habit of, so I pick my title in much the same way many of us converts to Orthodoxy picked our saints. We looked for someone we would like to be like, not necessarily someone we were alreadylike, trusting that that saint would pray for us that we would be obedient as they were. So here you have it: Just the Right Words, or Our Adventures in Seminaryland.
Recently, however, I've succumbed to the pressure of friends who want to hear about our adventures in New York at seminary, so I decided to revive this old blog that I did as a requirement for a class on children's poetry at TWU. I named it "Just the Right Words," because that reflects what I think good poetry is. It should be concise, containing only exactly the right words needed to create the image or idea in the mind of the reader. I've decided to keep this name in light of the struggle I mentioned above that I have with talking too much.
Using the just the right words, only the right words, is what I long to be in the habit of, so I pick my title in much the same way many of us converts to Orthodoxy picked our saints. We looked for someone we would like to be like, not necessarily someone we were alreadylike, trusting that that saint would pray for us that we would be obedient as they were. So here you have it: Just the Right Words, or Our Adventures in Seminaryland.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)